Is Estrangement Right for You? 😶
Breaking the "sacred" bond with your parents
Content Warning: references to corporal punishment and physical abuse.
It’s the Brain Damage
That’s what pushed me over the edge. See, even though I am the son of immigrants from Kerala and Maharashtra, my parents raised me according to guidance of an American named Dr. James Dobson. He ran a Christian fundamentalist media empire called Focus on the Family, and put out a book advocating that parents train their children using ritualized beatings.
My mother favored a wooden spoon.
She never spanked in anger, so Dr. Dobson said it wouldn’t cause any harm. In fact, it would help unruly children like me behave and turn into a well-behaved adult.
But as an adult I’ve slowly become aware of several long-term effects of being beaten by my parents:
Anxiety
Depression
Lower interpersonal skills
Constantly feeling on edge
Getting emotionally dysregulated if someone seems unhappy
Difficulty with executive functioning
Strong negative feelings when I make errors
Lack of positive feelings when I succeed
Feelings of chronic hopelessness
I should say that I don’t have proof that being spanked by my parents caused all these issues. I’m currently can’t afford therapy so I haven’t been able to work through this with a licensed professional.
But it sure doesn’t look good for my Mom and Dad’s choice of parenting manuals.
If I Was a White Exvangelical
Then this post would be a nothing burger. Parents beat you, (potentially) caused brain damage and now refuse to change? Cut them off.
Lots of white folks who survived evangelicalism have been going “low- or no-contact” with their parents. It’s become such a problem for followers of James Dobson that Focus on the Family now offers a program (for purchase of course) for parents whose children have cut them off.
The whole world of Christian fundamentalists reeks of something called “enmeshment,” when parents and children do not have healthy separation. I certainly experienced that as a child. My parents were all up in my business. I wasn’t allowed to date in high school, rarely hung out with friends and was expected to follow a pre-written plan to study engineering at a prestigious college.
But I’m a Desi
And what looks like enmeshment to a white therapist might just be collectivist culture. Already, I’ve hit the point where I need to find a therapist who understands Indian culture. Then there’s the perennial question that comes up in Desi communities:
What will people think?
Prachi Gupta got into that question in her searing memoir, “They Called Us Exceptional.” She talks about enduring years of emotional and physical abuse from her parents. And the pressure to act like everything was okay to anyone outside her nuclear family.
I’ve felt that same pressure. To act like my family was great even as my parents threw tantrums and cut people out of their lives. To always act like things are cool with my parents even after we’ve had a screaming match.
So on top of finding a therapist who understands Indian immigrant issues I need to find one who is willing to learn about this weird branch of Christianity.
How much is culture? How much is bad religion? How much is…just me?
What Do You Owe Your Parents?
I’ve been talking a lot about me today, with the hope that in my story you’ll find your own parallels. Maybe you’re like me, your relationship with your parents is such a burden that you simply cannot carry it anymore.
Maybe your parents are more open. Maybe you can negotiate with them. Maybe you can find common ground. Maybe you can go to family counseling. Maybe you come to a hard-won peace.
I hope so.
But if not, I’m giving you permission to stop. To quit trying to fix your family or repair relationships.
Maybe all you owe your parents is silence.
